::Case of the Monday's::

You are stuck at work. All day. Especially Monday. After a wonderful weekend. And all you want to do is be anywhere but here.
You actually drive past the inmates from the county jail picking up trash on the side of the road, and get a bit envious. At least they get to be outside all day.
You however, are stuck within the confines of your cubicle. Or in my case, make-shift desk stuck against a wall.
You sit there and watch everybody rushing back and forth. Busy important calls. Faxing, receiving faxes. Computer keys flicking away a mile a minute. (Or more specifically 60 wpm)
Just a fury of office excitement. Everyone all cracked out from that awesome “office” coffee. From the “community” coffee pot. Lord only knows when the last time that thing has been cleaned. Lord knows what kind of discounted defective coffee beans were put into that chemical mess of black tar you are drinking.
And you sit it the middle of this and just CAN NOT get motivated.
You phone is ringing and you just CAN NOT for the life of yourself, pick it up.
You glance down at the clock on your computer…and its only 11:18 am. 7 more hours.
Wars have started in less time. 7 hours might as well mean 8 weeks in office space time. You could conceive a child, carry it to term and delivery it, in the vast amount of time left; staring at your blank computer screen.

However. There are a few tips. A few little ins and outs to help you get through. While eventually you will ACTUALLY have to do some work (I mean, we are in a recession and everything. You don’t need to get fired for your laziness.) but you will never have to do an actual full 8 hours of it.

Number One: Bathrooms are your safe haven. Use them. Love them. Bring a Magazine.
Bathrooms are like my churches. No matter what horrendous crime you commit outside in the “real world” you can always run into the bathroom screaming “sanctuary!!!!” and receive peace and forgiveness. Like Quasimodo, I sit up in my sanctuary and hide out…just watching life pass me by.
You can spend a good hour in the bathroom if you’re really skilled.
20 minute to apply make-up.
20 minutes to fiddle around with your hair.
10 minutes texting/answering emails/social networking from the stall (where the best work is done.)
10 minutes reading the new Elle.

Anymore time than that and people will begin to talk. I try to break down the hour into several 20 minute breaks a day. It’s less obvious that way.
And yes it does look odd to walk into the bathroom with your cell and magazine. And yes people will think you suffer from some weird gastric intestine disease.
But who cares. Just walk out holding your stomach in pain each time, and I doubt they’ll even come up with the balls to question you.

Number Two: Smoke breaks are not just for smokers.
You seem them go down stairs in their little “cliques”. The smokers. With their packs of Marlboro’s and cigarette lighters. Full of happiness and relief.
Why are they so happy? They’re killing their lungs. They’re going to die before they reach 60. All very true…but they also are the most stress free people in the office. And hey stress kills also.
If you’re not willing to go and pick up an addictive (and expensive) habit like smoking…you can still go down with them.
Everyone has a right to a “break.”
Plus the smoking club gets all the best gossip. I don’t know why this is, but they have their own little “secret” network among the other office workers.
They stick by the belief that those who spread cancer together, stay together.
You will instantly make friends, laugh and kill at least 10 minutes at a time.
I suggest doing this 4 times a day.
Combined with the bathroom trick, you’ve just shaven off 2 hours from your work day.

Number Three: You will never survive unless you do a little networking. Socially that is.
Join it all. Myspace, Facebook, Twitter. Anything. Everything that gives you access to the “outside” world.
The more time you spend talking to other people. People who are happy and can keep you entertained with jokes, and stories about the weekend. Set up plans for the new week. Anything to make you forget that you are at work is good.
I do NOT recommend using your company computer/email server to do this on. Invest in a dope phone. Blackberry and iPhones are my two picks.
Anything where you can have all the comforts of your home computer.
The only difference is that at work you can’t be naked, sipping on Bacardi and Diet Coke while you surf the net.

Check your horoscope. Evaluate that dream you had last night. Read blogs. Write blogs. Youtube search your favorite movie clips. Anything and everything that can be done with your phone is appreciated and will definitely kill at least 2 hours out of your day.

Number Three: Kiss me through the Phone.
Your office phone is the best place for all day boo-lovin/girl gossip/grandparent check in….or whatever other conversation you’ve been putting off all day. It’s a time to pay bills, argue with your cell phone provider, book trips to fab exotic destinations. All the while, you appear to be deeply engrossed in extremely important business negotiations.
The only problem with the phone, are your nosey cube neighbors. Unless you don’t mind them hanging on your every word, as you call in your prescription for your herpes cream…try to keep the personal calls, a little less-than-personal.
Also try to avoid calling your best friend, who is guaranteed to make you laugh so loud the whole office will turn and give you disapproving looks.
Call only those where you can keep low-toned, relaxed, easy going convo’s with.

Those are my main three.
There are tons of other things to do.
Download music and create dope playlists.
Endless trips to the vendor/coffee machine take up valuable time. I take at least 10 minutes getting JUST the right amount of cream in my coffee.
Random walks around the building…which also keeps you up with all the gossip in other areas of the company.
Doodling in a notebook.
writing sub-par rap lyrics.
Spinning around in your chair until you feel like you’re going to throw up.

All of these things are great diversions to actual work.

Take this blog for instance. Just killed 1 hour and 45 min out of my day.
And it’s already lunch time.
Awesome.