dis⋅so⋅lu⋅tion [dis-uh-loo-shuhn]
–noun
1. the act or process of resolving or dissolving into parts or elements.
2. the resulting state.
3. the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership, etc.
There has been a lot of dissolution this year. A lot of loose ends being tied up.
A lot of things ending,and the resulting states it leaves behind.
You tend to reflect a lot when something tragic happens...In this case losing my job right after my 30th birthday. A double whammy. Ive been reflecting about the past year. Which of course, leads to the past few years, which in turn,becomes
basically a rundown of your whole life. if you are like i am (which you're probably not, you're probably fucking normal)
you overthink everything. You think about it so much that you have it figured out. Down to its very core matter.
Until it looses all meaning.
Like a scientist. Who can look at a flower and tell you its exact genus and species. Tell you why its red. The other colors it comes in. The different varieties. The insects that feed off of it. Until the flower looses all wonder. Until the flower just becomes one of many.
Until the flower is not that wondrous amazing bit of nature anymore.
That's basically what I've done the past few weeks. Dissect my life until I'm numb to it.
The things I've been through, have undoubtedly changed me.
I was staring in the mirror last night, as I prepared for the date...and I looked very closely into my eyes.
Totally surrounded by dark black khol liner,highlighted with dark shadowed...mixed with metallic shades of green....
and I felt so very in love with my eyes.
The things that these eyes have seen in my lifetime, and yet they still have the nerve to stand there and stare back at me like
two perfect little brown chestnuts. AS if none of it affected them. As if they dont stay awake at night with those visions.
There are definitely defining moments in your life. I agree with that.
And also people who come in and out of your lives, bringing you little gifts. Sometimes its the gift of happiness.
Sometimes its the gift of greed, envy, anger, violence, love.
And you just keep accepting and accepting and accepting what these people are showing you and bringing to you.
Hoping that one day, you'll open up their gift and out will pop Bob Barker holding a check for a Million dollars, and a wedding ring, and Mr. perfect to put it on your finger, and a white horse to ride off in the sunset with.
But I've pretty much decided that that is one gift I'm not going to be getting in this lifetime. Not quite yet anyway.
So with my eyes, I see things a little bit differently now. THen I did when I was 17 and first moved to nyc and saw those huge skyscrapers and rode the 6 train to work and back.
A little differently then when I was 19 and saw someone get shot and killed right outside of my window in the Bronx.
A little differently then when I got drunk and high for the first time from some random pills that were being given to me. Little gifts.
A little differently then when I was 23 and saw my daughter being removed from my body. Everyone in plastic and paper robes and metal instruments all around.
A little differently then when I was 27 and lost my best friend and lover all in one day. because of things i'd seen with my eyes he'd been doing with other women.
And I see things a little differently now, after all of that has come and gone, at 30. And for the first time in my life have no job. And these eyes are trying to look into the future to see if I can find a glimmer of hope.
Sometimes it's hard for me to hold close eye contact with people. i laugh and say it's ADD. it's really not. it's really shyness. (i know right imagine me shy lol). I dont like for anyone to look too closely. BEcause I'm scared they'll be able to see who I really am.
Beyond the eye makeup and the clothes and the body and the hair.
Beyond the jokes and the laughter and the drunken kisses.
There is a very real, very intense soul.
I may never find the ONE person for me. That gets me. Or loves me. OR accepts me.
But as long as I can see the world, I can keep learning and growing. And i can't wait to see how I look back at all this and see it in another
30 years.
–noun
1. the act or process of resolving or dissolving into parts or elements.
2. the resulting state.
3. the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership, etc.
There has been a lot of dissolution this year. A lot of loose ends being tied up.
A lot of things ending,and the resulting states it leaves behind.
You tend to reflect a lot when something tragic happens...In this case losing my job right after my 30th birthday. A double whammy. Ive been reflecting about the past year. Which of course, leads to the past few years, which in turn,becomes
basically a rundown of your whole life. if you are like i am (which you're probably not, you're probably fucking normal)
you overthink everything. You think about it so much that you have it figured out. Down to its very core matter.
Until it looses all meaning.
Like a scientist. Who can look at a flower and tell you its exact genus and species. Tell you why its red. The other colors it comes in. The different varieties. The insects that feed off of it. Until the flower looses all wonder. Until the flower just becomes one of many.
Until the flower is not that wondrous amazing bit of nature anymore.
That's basically what I've done the past few weeks. Dissect my life until I'm numb to it.
The things I've been through, have undoubtedly changed me.
I was staring in the mirror last night, as I prepared for the date...and I looked very closely into my eyes.
Totally surrounded by dark black khol liner,highlighted with dark shadowed...mixed with metallic shades of green....
and I felt so very in love with my eyes.
The things that these eyes have seen in my lifetime, and yet they still have the nerve to stand there and stare back at me like
two perfect little brown chestnuts. AS if none of it affected them. As if they dont stay awake at night with those visions.
There are definitely defining moments in your life. I agree with that.
And also people who come in and out of your lives, bringing you little gifts. Sometimes its the gift of happiness.
Sometimes its the gift of greed, envy, anger, violence, love.
And you just keep accepting and accepting and accepting what these people are showing you and bringing to you.
Hoping that one day, you'll open up their gift and out will pop Bob Barker holding a check for a Million dollars, and a wedding ring, and Mr. perfect to put it on your finger, and a white horse to ride off in the sunset with.
But I've pretty much decided that that is one gift I'm not going to be getting in this lifetime. Not quite yet anyway.
So with my eyes, I see things a little bit differently now. THen I did when I was 17 and first moved to nyc and saw those huge skyscrapers and rode the 6 train to work and back.
A little differently then when I was 19 and saw someone get shot and killed right outside of my window in the Bronx.
A little differently then when I got drunk and high for the first time from some random pills that were being given to me. Little gifts.
A little differently then when I was 23 and saw my daughter being removed from my body. Everyone in plastic and paper robes and metal instruments all around.
A little differently then when I was 27 and lost my best friend and lover all in one day. because of things i'd seen with my eyes he'd been doing with other women.
And I see things a little differently now, after all of that has come and gone, at 30. And for the first time in my life have no job. And these eyes are trying to look into the future to see if I can find a glimmer of hope.
Sometimes it's hard for me to hold close eye contact with people. i laugh and say it's ADD. it's really not. it's really shyness. (i know right imagine me shy lol). I dont like for anyone to look too closely. BEcause I'm scared they'll be able to see who I really am.
Beyond the eye makeup and the clothes and the body and the hair.
Beyond the jokes and the laughter and the drunken kisses.
There is a very real, very intense soul.
I may never find the ONE person for me. That gets me. Or loves me. OR accepts me.
But as long as I can see the world, I can keep learning and growing. And i can't wait to see how I look back at all this and see it in another
30 years.
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