Dear Joe...

I’m a mother of the most wonderful little girl on this Earth. I always imagined I would teach her all the great things about this world. I pictured trips of us going to Museums. Me teaching her about Impressionism vs. Modernism vs. Realism. I pictured me quoting Browning and Keats, and her following behind me as we took walks in long gardens. I imagined all the wonderful stories about love and life and loss I would pass on to her. I never in a thousand years thought she’d be the one teaching me. I never once thought that my heart had gotten this lost. Until she found it for me. Most people love the Holiday season. Thanksgiving dinners, shopping for Christmas presents, all the family time. The sugar cookies, the candy canes, the lights. All the gay Hallmark made for TV movies that move you to tears in spite of yourself. I however, tend to get a little blue around this time of year. I hate the cold. I hate that all the leaves are gone. I hate raking the leaves. I hate that the mall is c...

During a very rare and precious moment of complete peace and calm at work, the ladies and I had a discussion on how long to wait before deciding to "color" with the person you are dating. When are you safely out the "hoezone". Hoezone (n.) 1. The time period in which you can share your nakedness with the opposite sex, without fear that he may never call back again. 2. The time period in which you are no longer, "that broad, some chick, this bitch, that girl I met" and you actually have a name, place and meaning in someones life. 3. The area between the bar and the dancefloor right before closing time. 4. The black couches in the back at any club, on any given night, after 12am. and so on and so forth..... Basically the "hoezone" is the time when you're uncertain about how the person you're dating really "views" you. Give up the cookies too soon, and you will forever be in the hoezone. Sure you can transition out of there, into ...

So I've been thinking a lot about love. No no not another one of those "when will I find love" blogs. But about LOVE. Love of family, community, music. Especially music. I'm really struggling to decide if music influences our culture, or does our culture influence the music. I suppose it's a bit of both. Which is sad news for our generation. Our generation (80's babies) grew up in some of the HARSHEST musical times in history. But our souls were a little softened by the fact that our parents were still spreading that good ole love peace and happiness leftover from the 70's and the frivolous, carefree attitude of the early 80's. The 90's and beyond have taken us through "gangsta" rap, grunge, soft porn like lyrics in our R&B, and a general lack of actual "love" in all other genres. We were raised in an era where it was a daily occurrence to have women be referred to as bitches and hoes on the radio. Drugs, violence and money ...

We've all said it. Usually after a particularly hard day at work. We sit back with our friends, nice bottle of Reisling, take-out sushi spread out all over our Ikea coffee table, worn out college sweatshirts, memories of days past...and we say "Damn. I just need a sugar daddy. Just stay at home, raise some kids, shop in Nordstroms at noon (before the working womans rush at 6pm) BMW X-5..the whole package." And we all laugh. Because we're strong independent women etc etc etc. But for a moment..lets explore the idea. Of what it'd REALLY be like to date your friends grandpa. I. Sex Pros: Viagra. Wonder drug. Gauranteed long lasting sex, without the extended foreplay. Without the "I'm sorry baby." Without the "oops." Without the "I'll be ready again in 10 minutes." Cons: Balls. Old saggy wrinkly balls. And I've never actually seen Old Man Balls, but I'm not a big balls fan in general. And I can only imagine they get ugli...

I'm done with the LOL. It's dead to me. The LOL is the biggest lie ever created on the internet. A bigger lie than those emails from your "cousin" in Africa who happens to be a king,and passed away and would like to send you a million dollars, if you kindly send your SS # and bank account information naturally..so the money can be deposited. Bigger lie than eHarmony claiming they can find your true love in 6 months (they couldn't even find one match for me lol). Bigger lie than all those penis enlargement ads, free diet pill gimmicks, and real estate schemes to buy acres of land in the Florida swamplands. LOL sucks for two reasons. 1. Nobody laughs that fucking much. I dont care if you're Tom fucking Cruise. And you're all smiles and grins and high off of those Scientology Cosmo's laced with coke. You don't laugh out loud ALL DAY LONG. After EVERY sentence. I'm the biggest abuser of the "lol" so I'm saying this, while also yelling...

This is a public service announcement. Brought to you by the makers of Christina, and Christina's heart. Supplying the world with pure joy since 1981. When I get ready to go out there are a few things that happen. Step One is usually digging through my closet, desperately trying to find an outfit that makes me look: smart, skinny yet big-bootied, sexy but not slutty, stylish but not trendy, approachable but not accessible. It's too much. THen comes the hair. 180 degree heat to straighten it. Resulting in horrible burns when the iron slips. Dry split ends. Bathroom smellin like burnt hair. Perfume..make-up... drinks. drinks drinks drinks. Because everything looks better in my mirror after at least 3 grey goose and cranberrys. i go out. I see everyone else who went through the same exact steps. Looking fabulous. Putting their best foot forward. It's easy to be amazing for one night. It's easy to be that girl who's happy. Who flirts just enough, smiles just enough. Lau...

Halloween is fast approaching. Once again I'm stuck in the same dilemma. What costume to buy. I don't understand why every costume for women has to be "hooker." Instead of the actual word "hooker" they use "sexy". "sexy nurse." "sexy french maid" "sexy firefighter." "sexy police woman" Have you seen NYPD uniforms? There is NOTHING fucking sexy about them. They do not include fishnets. And the handcuffs and gun and riot sticks are not pink and furry and covered in lace. So then you go to a club in your hooker schoolgirl/milkmaid/devil costume, and the mayhem begins. First of all, [and not just on Halloween but in general] what is up with white women getting all bi-sexual when they get drunk? I'll never get that. In order to get a man's attention are you really willing to resort to grinding up on your best friends ass. Do you really think said man, will appreciate a long lasting meaningful relationship...