We've all said it. Usually after a particularly hard day at work. We sit back with our friends, nice bottle of Reisling, take-out sushi spread out all over our Ikea coffee table, worn out college sweatshirts, memories of days past...and we say "Damn. I just need a sugar daddy. Just stay at home, raise some kids, shop in Nordstroms at noon (before the working womans rush at 6pm) BMW X-5..the whole package."
And we all laugh. Because we're strong independent women etc etc etc. But for a moment..lets explore the idea. Of what it'd REALLY be like to date your friends grandpa.
I. Sex
Pros: Viagra. Wonder drug. Gauranteed long lasting sex, without the extended foreplay. Without the "I'm sorry baby." Without the "oops." Without the "I'll be ready again in 10 minutes."
Cons: Balls. Old saggy wrinkly balls. And I've never actually seen Old Man Balls, but I'm not a big balls fan in general. And I can only imagine they get uglier with age. Not to mention saggy bootys, age spots, bald spots, dentures, gray pubic hair, permanent coffee breath, and all the other downfalls that comes with aging.
II. Dating
Pros: Any man over 50 has the manners of a saint. They treat women like no man in his 20's or 30's ever could. He's from the era that women are special and beautiful and to be cared for. Not this new age "bitch you ight but whatchu doin for ME?" attitude. He will open doors, send roses, let you go first at the buffet table on Sunday mornings. You will feel like Greta Garbo. Or some other beautiful, long gone starlet that men used to fawn over.
Cons: Unless you happen to land a millionaire (which you probably won't unless you're under the age of 25, have less than 5% body fat, are blonde, or brunette with big boobs, etc etc etc) then chances are your "sugar daddy" is really more like a "splenda daddy."* Besides which, if you actually date a millionaire, please believe that money will be tied up for generations to come. All kinds of court battles with his lawyers, his greedy ass kids, his ex-wives etc etc. It's just trouble. So you will be low budget and be forced to live the life of a normal, 65 year old woman. And her budget. Social Security checks won't get you far. Bonus if you find someone who was once in the military. You get that extra government check. But even that won't keep you laced in Prada. Be prepared for breakfast at Cracker Barrel,dinners "out" at Red Lobster and lots and lots of coupons being used from the AARP magazine. If there's a senior discount or "buffet" available, you'll be there. Guaranteed you'll be at the VFW every friday night. And yes you may be the finest bitch in there,but still, you will be there.
III. Those cuddly nights home together
Pros: Ahhh security. And what woman doesnt like coming home to a nice faithful man, and a wonderful warm home. Get some nice dinner cooking on the stove and sit down wiht a glass a wine and talk about your day. Hopefully he was drafted in Vietnam and you can hear cool war stories. You'll get to hear first hand accounts of the Kennedy administration, Nixon, Watergate, Woodstock, the Civil Rights Era, and all that great shit you only see second hand on the History channel. You will be entertained for hours with his long drawn out stories about the past. Or at least sleep well listening to them. Plus, if worse comes to worse, old men have a virtual CandyLand of prescription drugs. You'll become an expert in finding the right mixture of heart pills, glaucoma medication high blood pressure pills, and vodka. Ahh serenity.
Cons: Too many to name. Trying to explain how email works, what the fuck twitter is, why Reality TV is so big, who Souljah Boy is, what is Kanye's deal. Annoying. Constantly bitching about the cost of things. Wearing those Lee high waist light wash jeans. The tucking in of all tee-shirts. Just the general culture clash between the two of you. Having to be home in time to watch CSI with him. Waking up at the crack of dawn for no damn reason. The in and outs of living with a senior citizen are really draining. And not to sound morbid, but he does really need all those pills. One day its his knees, the next his back, then his liver...everyday a new ailment. And you, of course, must be the supportive wife. Always there to stand by your man. Even when he's in his little motorized scooter at the mall. You made a vow. Now you have to deal.
I could really go on and on. There are pros and cons in all relationships. Good things and bad.
Dating a doctor, dating a drug dealer, dating a Target manager. Each of these all have their own ups and downs. Same as dating an older man.
I for one, don't need a sugar daddy. Though it might be nice to two-step to the O'Jays, with someone who probably actually still has their records, on vinyl, I would love to have a bright future.
I will like to make new memories with someone, instead of always living with someone elses.
Sugar daddies are great. For the right playmate. Or if by some poor fortune, you didn't graduate high school and have few options left in life.
I for one, will continue to have faith in these men my own age. Until of course I'm old enough to be a cougar...and then game on.
*I'd like to give proper credit of the term "splenda daddy" to my fellow Project Mayhem cohort and friend @wildchild22. It's been copywritten. So don't steal it.
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