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::Death to LOL::


I'm done with the LOL. It's dead to me. The LOL is the biggest lie ever created on the internet. A bigger lie than those emails from your "cousin" in Africa who happens to be a king,and passed away and would like to send you a million dollars, if you kindly send your SS # and bank account information naturally..so the money can be deposited.
Bigger lie than eHarmony claiming they can find your true love in 6 months (they couldn't even find one match for me lol).
Bigger lie than all those penis enlargement ads, free diet pill gimmicks, and real estate schemes to buy acres of land in the Florida swamplands.

LOL sucks for two reasons.

1. Nobody laughs that fucking much. I dont care if you're Tom fucking Cruise. And you're all smiles and grins and high off of those Scientology Cosmo's laced with coke. You don't laugh out loud ALL DAY LONG. After EVERY sentence.
I'm the biggest abuser of the "lol" so I'm saying this, while also yelling at myself.
Most things during the day deserve a smirk at the most. Maybe a little chuckle. A big grin and a head nod. A little giggle inside your head. But hardly ANYTHING, ACTUALLY makes a motherfucker laugh out loud. Especially at home alone on your computer. Or at work. Or driving while texting on your cell. (well all do it, stop being a stickler for the law...eff what Tyra Bank says. I can name at least 5 more dangerous things to do behind the wheel of a car than text. And I think I've done them all at least once.)

Anyhow I digress. So LOL is a lie because you're not really LOL'ing. And that's just false.

The bigger reason while LOL is a lie, is because you use it to clean up ANY fucking inappropriate comment you might make via text/im/etc.
For example:
"Yeah you're kinda hot. But you don't have an ass like your momma. LOL"
- No sir. There is no LOL there. You clearly saw my moms ass, compared it to mine,and made a mental note that came out disguised in an LOL fog. LOL can't clean up that statement.

Or, (and these are actual texts by the way)
"Yeah you know...I still love you. I just regret we never had anal sex. LOL"
- WTF sir?? Flag on the play. Really? You think you can just clear up that disgusting ass demoralizing comment with an LOL? I'm sorry. That is just no excuse.

I'm so tired of it. I find myself doing this everyday.
I say something, semi-controversial. So I add a little "lol" at the end. So no one takes it too deeply.
Or I try to tell someone I miss them, and I throw in a "lol" to make it seem less "girly and emotional".

LOL is the virtual equivalent of being a doctor. Or a cop. Or a judge. It gives you ultimate carte blance in saying the most fucked up things in life, and not getting in trouble for it. Because you have a degree, and it's just "the way it is." LOL is the quintessential passive aggressive move.

LOL is the ultimate cop out. And I'm tired of it.
Man up America. You wanna be a prick? You wanna just blurt out random comments about my momma, his momma, someones momma? Don't hide behind the LOL. Just say it. If I actually laugh out loud in "real life" I'll text you back.
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