Skip to main content

If a man really wants you. In real life.

I'm tired of all this fuck ass advice on men that keeps getting forwarded, and posted and tagged. Bunch of single women commenting with their "mmmmhmm that's right" church fan amen blessings.
In real life. In real relationships. These cliche's don't matter. In real love, all the rules are broken, re-written, revised. "Boundaries" and "non-negotiables" are mixed up, crossed and ignored every day.
Because real love is insane. You accept things you never thought you would. You do things you'd never thought you'd do. You think with your heart. For good, bad, or indifferent.
And if you're playing by a set of rules, or if you have any "strategies" on how to get, keep, or make a man love you, then you're not using your heart in full. Love is random, wild and pure. Stop over thinking shit and just go with it.
With all that being said, here is my list on what men do if they really want you. Jokingly of course. This is all a joke, so I couldn't actually make a serious list.

1. They will eat your dry ass chicken you worked hard all night making. And will swallow it down with 36 glasses of red kool-aid, before ever thinking about telling you it was nasty. And when you fall asleep, you will quietly hear them placing a Chinese take out order. But you won't be offended.

2. They will be the one to get all the necessary "post-coitus" clean up materials. Whether it be sock, paper towel, moist towelette or wash cloth. You should never leave the bed with any foreign secretions of any type on your body.

3. They will call. Fuck all this texting/facebooking/twitter jazz. Fuck all this "men don't like to use the phone" tomfoolery. They will call. And call back. And follow that up with another call. And if they're not, well. Sorry boo.

4. They will leave work to come and help you with any car trouble you may have. At the very least, they will send a tow truck for you. They will not ask you to check shit. They will not ask you to call your friends. They will handle it. Even if they don't know shit about cars. Men like to handle shit.

5. They will unclog toilets, drains, and take out garbage. I know its not 1953 and the rules have changed and shit, but....9 out of 10 times, it was his fault shit got clogged up anyhow, so... that's my rule on that lol.

6. They will be nice to your alcoholic mom. Your crazy friends. Your weird co-workers. They will not love the people you love, but they will never try to tell you to cut anyone off. No questions asked.

7. They will leave all cell phones and computers unlocked and password free. A real woman wouldn't check, and a real man wouldn't hide. Besides which, if you're doing some foul shit, and don't know how to cover your ass by now, you need to be caught.

8. They will spoon. Every man hates to spoon. But they will spoon. At least long enough until you fall asleep and they can use some advanced yoga type maneuvers to get out of the position without waking you.

9. They will always know where you are in any public setting. And will be jealous if some other man speaks to you. You'll be annoyed. There may be words exchanged. But in your heart you'll smile a little bit knowing he still fears you might be tempted by another penis. Its nice to still feel sexy and wanted, especially in a room full of new pussy.

10. No matter how rhythmless/bungled/totally unsexy your lap dances are, he will never laugh. He may cut shit short to get to The Sex, but he'll appreciate your effort. And all effort you put forth in the bed. Outfits, lingerie, oils and all kinds of weird shit you've heard from your friends that you'd like to experiment on him with...he'll be down.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Love in the time of Kardashians

I miss the simple days of love. Where you met. You married. You had children. There were still the same problems. Alcoholism. Infidelity. Domestic Abuse. Recession. Death. Taxes. But it was all veiled behind fabulous elbow length gloves, and low-tipped fedoras. No one really knew what was going on in your home. No one dared question you about your husband. Or your children. Those were private intimate things. For better or worse that’s just how it was. Today we have the absolute extreme opposite. And just as damaging as it is to live behind veils and lies, its equally damaging to be too open. Too exposed. Too naked. This is the struggle I have within myself constantly. How to keep pieces of myself private and protected. But also allow myself the comfort and personal freedom that comes with being totally open and honest about my life. Its very easy to “put it all out there.” Between twitter and facebook. Foursquare. .Tagged photos. Comments. Replies. Innuendos. You can pretty much expos...
2 comments
Read more

::No More Mondays::

Sometimes you find yourself at work, and you're having a particularly bad day. Your boss may be taking out some personal issue on you. You might be having some back-stabbing co-worker trying to come after your position. Maybe some slanderous office gossip. Or maybe just that all too familiar feeling of your life and soul wasting away as you stare blankly at an Excel spreadsheet on your screen. Whatever it is,we all have that "when I leave this place" fantasy in our head. You know,that day when you finally walk around the office,tell your boss EXACTLY what's been on your mind the past few years. Perhaps give a few co-workers the finger. Or a few notes on personal hygenie or whatever you've been DYING to say. My "last day" fantasy went a little bit like this: Me walking around the office. Two Middle Fingers in the air. Doing the whole "you're cool, you're cool,you're cool, fuck you I'm out." from Half Baked. Then I would pack up m...
1 comment
Read more

::Little Gifts::

dis⋅so⋅lu⋅tion [dis-uh-loo-shuhn] –noun 1. the act or process of resolving or dissolving into parts or elements. 2. the resulting state. 3. the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership, etc. There has been a lot of dissolution this year. A lot of loose ends being tied up. A lot of things ending,and the resulting states it leaves behind. You tend to reflect a lot when something tragic happens...In this case losing my job right after my 30th birthday. A double whammy. Ive been reflecting about the past year. Which of course, leads to the past few years, which in turn,becomes basically a rundown of your whole life. if you are like i am (which you're probably not, you're probably fucking normal) you overthink everything. You think about it so much that you have it figured out. Down to its very core matter. Until it looses all meaning. Like a scientist. Who can look at a flower and tell you its exact genus and species. Tell you why its red. ...
Post a Comment
Read more