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If a man really wants you. In real life.

I'm tired of all this fuck ass advice on men that keeps getting forwarded, and posted and tagged. Bunch of single women commenting with their "mmmmhmm that's right" church fan amen blessings.
In real life. In real relationships. These cliche's don't matter. In real love, all the rules are broken, re-written, revised. "Boundaries" and "non-negotiables" are mixed up, crossed and ignored every day.
Because real love is insane. You accept things you never thought you would. You do things you'd never thought you'd do. You think with your heart. For good, bad, or indifferent.
And if you're playing by a set of rules, or if you have any "strategies" on how to get, keep, or make a man love you, then you're not using your heart in full. Love is random, wild and pure. Stop over thinking shit and just go with it.
With all that being said, here is my list on what men do if they really want you. Jokingly of course. This is all a joke, so I couldn't actually make a serious list.

1. They will eat your dry ass chicken you worked hard all night making. And will swallow it down with 36 glasses of red kool-aid, before ever thinking about telling you it was nasty. And when you fall asleep, you will quietly hear them placing a Chinese take out order. But you won't be offended.

2. They will be the one to get all the necessary "post-coitus" clean up materials. Whether it be sock, paper towel, moist towelette or wash cloth. You should never leave the bed with any foreign secretions of any type on your body.

3. They will call. Fuck all this texting/facebooking/twitter jazz. Fuck all this "men don't like to use the phone" tomfoolery. They will call. And call back. And follow that up with another call. And if they're not, well. Sorry boo.

4. They will leave work to come and help you with any car trouble you may have. At the very least, they will send a tow truck for you. They will not ask you to check shit. They will not ask you to call your friends. They will handle it. Even if they don't know shit about cars. Men like to handle shit.

5. They will unclog toilets, drains, and take out garbage. I know its not 1953 and the rules have changed and shit, but....9 out of 10 times, it was his fault shit got clogged up anyhow, so... that's my rule on that lol.

6. They will be nice to your alcoholic mom. Your crazy friends. Your weird co-workers. They will not love the people you love, but they will never try to tell you to cut anyone off. No questions asked.

7. They will leave all cell phones and computers unlocked and password free. A real woman wouldn't check, and a real man wouldn't hide. Besides which, if you're doing some foul shit, and don't know how to cover your ass by now, you need to be caught.

8. They will spoon. Every man hates to spoon. But they will spoon. At least long enough until you fall asleep and they can use some advanced yoga type maneuvers to get out of the position without waking you.

9. They will always know where you are in any public setting. And will be jealous if some other man speaks to you. You'll be annoyed. There may be words exchanged. But in your heart you'll smile a little bit knowing he still fears you might be tempted by another penis. Its nice to still feel sexy and wanted, especially in a room full of new pussy.

10. No matter how rhythmless/bungled/totally unsexy your lap dances are, he will never laugh. He may cut shit short to get to The Sex, but he'll appreciate your effort. And all effort you put forth in the bed. Outfits, lingerie, oils and all kinds of weird shit you've heard from your friends that you'd like to experiment on him with...he'll be down.

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