Do:
Wear very festive “holiday” gear. From some reason all company execs LOVE ugly green and red sweaters with bedazzled reindeers and corny little elves. It makes you look “safe” and “nice.” Matching X-mas tree earrings optional.
Don’t:
Wear your “I’ve been a naughty girl this year…spank me hard” tee shirt with ripped up fishnets and red leather hooker boots. For some reason, this makes you look like a “whore.” Go figure.
Do:
Enjoy a nice holiday toast with upper management. A nice classy glass of wine will do. But just one. No need to fuel the already rampant rumors about your budding alcohol addiction. [Remember that time you came in drunk with the same clothes on as the day before…yes yes…and so do they.]
Don’t: Take multiple “lemon drop” shots at the free bar. Don’t shout out “one more…what the fuck its free isn’t it!!!!!” as you down yet 2 more straight shots of vodka.
And if you do “over do it” DO NOT throw up in front of the CEO before dinner even arrives. Make sure you can AT LEAST make it through the meal. Then you can always blame your “illness” on food poisoning. And not just being a drunkard. (really happened to me. )
Do:
Smile at everyone. Not only will this make you look like you’re actually having a good time, but it will stop all those annoying “oooooh somebody is a grinch this year!!” comments. God.
Don’t: Sulk in a corner listening to your iPod, secretly plotting to call in a false bomb threat just to get the hell out of there, periodically giving dirty looks to the over zealous receptionist singing Christmas carols. I guarantee you’ll look suspicious and your emails will start to be monitored that following day.
Do: Take frequent “smoke” breaks outside. Even if you’re never smoked a cigarette in your life. This is an easy way to kill 10-15 minutes from all the “holiday cheer”. It’ll give you some fresh air, and hopefully erase the awful stench that ass kissing and insincere compliments can leave behind.
Don’t: Force yourself to actually sit and enjoy every moment of this thing. Bathrooms are there for a reason people. I don’t care if everyone startsto think you have a bladder control issue. DO NOT ATTEMPT to actually sit through this thing without loosing your mind. Its just impossible.
Do: Share amusing little “holiday” stories with your co-workers. Maybe that time you were 10 and got that Barbie bicycle you’d been begging for all year.
Don’t: Tell horribly personal stories about your crack head aunt stealing silver ornaments from the tree and trying to pawn them downtown. Or that time your drunk uncle felt you up under the mistle-toe. It’s just not right. And most people will just think you’re weird and run far away. Not quite the image you’re trying to uphold.
Do: Participate in that horribly annoying “secret Santa” gift exchange you’re forced to do every year. You never know…you might end up actually getting something decent. And if not, whatever you get, can always be re-gifted. And really, what is better than that? Nothing.
Don’t: Don’t however, give a gag gift. We know this secret Santa Is a joke. We know that you have no idea who “Julie Kwan” in accounting is. We know that you don’t have time to try and look around and find some non-descript, un-offensive, office-friendly gift. But for the love of God….nobody wants to be sitting at their office dinner and open up a dildo. Even though [and I think you’ll agree with me here] that would be the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in life. But as everyone gasps, and Miss Kwan is staring at the 11 inch penis with horror in her eyes, and you’re the only one laughing, your secret will be up. And no doubt your job will be up too.
The most important thing to remember at this year’s office Christmas party….is that you hate these people. Just because its Christmas doesn’t mean they automatically get a “free pass” from your annoyance. It just means that now you’re drunk and it’s after hours and you might feel more “free” to cuss a bitch out. PLEASE DON’T. The key word in “office Christmas party” is “office.” No matter what you do , you will be judged upon your actions the next day at work. And your name will be office gossip for future generations of disgruntled employees. Keep a low profile. Smile, but not too much. Drink but not too much. Eat but not too much. Be yourself…but [as always ] not too much.
Happy Fucking Holidays.
Wear very festive “holiday” gear. From some reason all company execs LOVE ugly green and red sweaters with bedazzled reindeers and corny little elves. It makes you look “safe” and “nice.” Matching X-mas tree earrings optional.
Don’t:
Wear your “I’ve been a naughty girl this year…spank me hard” tee shirt with ripped up fishnets and red leather hooker boots. For some reason, this makes you look like a “whore.” Go figure.
Do:
Enjoy a nice holiday toast with upper management. A nice classy glass of wine will do. But just one. No need to fuel the already rampant rumors about your budding alcohol addiction. [Remember that time you came in drunk with the same clothes on as the day before…yes yes…and so do they.]
Don’t: Take multiple “lemon drop” shots at the free bar. Don’t shout out “one more…what the fuck its free isn’t it!!!!!” as you down yet 2 more straight shots of vodka.
And if you do “over do it” DO NOT throw up in front of the CEO before dinner even arrives. Make sure you can AT LEAST make it through the meal. Then you can always blame your “illness” on food poisoning. And not just being a drunkard. (really happened to me. )
Do:
Smile at everyone. Not only will this make you look like you’re actually having a good time, but it will stop all those annoying “oooooh somebody is a grinch this year!!” comments. God.
Don’t: Sulk in a corner listening to your iPod, secretly plotting to call in a false bomb threat just to get the hell out of there, periodically giving dirty looks to the over zealous receptionist singing Christmas carols. I guarantee you’ll look suspicious and your emails will start to be monitored that following day.
Do: Take frequent “smoke” breaks outside. Even if you’re never smoked a cigarette in your life. This is an easy way to kill 10-15 minutes from all the “holiday cheer”. It’ll give you some fresh air, and hopefully erase the awful stench that ass kissing and insincere compliments can leave behind.
Don’t: Force yourself to actually sit and enjoy every moment of this thing. Bathrooms are there for a reason people. I don’t care if everyone startsto think you have a bladder control issue. DO NOT ATTEMPT to actually sit through this thing without loosing your mind. Its just impossible.
Do: Share amusing little “holiday” stories with your co-workers. Maybe that time you were 10 and got that Barbie bicycle you’d been begging for all year.
Don’t: Tell horribly personal stories about your crack head aunt stealing silver ornaments from the tree and trying to pawn them downtown. Or that time your drunk uncle felt you up under the mistle-toe. It’s just not right. And most people will just think you’re weird and run far away. Not quite the image you’re trying to uphold.
Do: Participate in that horribly annoying “secret Santa” gift exchange you’re forced to do every year. You never know…you might end up actually getting something decent. And if not, whatever you get, can always be re-gifted. And really, what is better than that? Nothing.
Don’t: Don’t however, give a gag gift. We know this secret Santa Is a joke. We know that you have no idea who “Julie Kwan” in accounting is. We know that you don’t have time to try and look around and find some non-descript, un-offensive, office-friendly gift. But for the love of God….nobody wants to be sitting at their office dinner and open up a dildo. Even though [and I think you’ll agree with me here] that would be the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in life. But as everyone gasps, and Miss Kwan is staring at the 11 inch penis with horror in her eyes, and you’re the only one laughing, your secret will be up. And no doubt your job will be up too.
The most important thing to remember at this year’s office Christmas party….is that you hate these people. Just because its Christmas doesn’t mean they automatically get a “free pass” from your annoyance. It just means that now you’re drunk and it’s after hours and you might feel more “free” to cuss a bitch out. PLEASE DON’T. The key word in “office Christmas party” is “office.” No matter what you do , you will be judged upon your actions the next day at work. And your name will be office gossip for future generations of disgruntled employees. Keep a low profile. Smile, but not too much. Drink but not too much. Eat but not too much. Be yourself…but [as always ] not too much.
Happy Fucking Holidays.
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