Everyone is back at work today. All refreshed and rejuvenated for the new year.
Making all of these grand proclamations. Flying high from quality family time, and paid time off work.
So far everyone in my office is either going to quit smoking, or lose weight.
Which, of course, they declared while popping popping Munchkins, or asking to borrow a cigarette. So, needless to say, they already failed.
The other half of the office vowed NOT to make resolutions, because they're old and bitter enough to know that they are not going to keep any of them, and just end up feeling more like a failure than normal.
Then there's me. I'm kind of stuck in the middle.
I don't believe there's any "magic" that happens on January 1st that makes me take stock of the year, and vow to do better etc etc. And ACTUALLY follow through with it.
Nor am I bitter enough to completely dismiss the romantic idea of a "fresh slate" and new beginning that the upcoming year promises.
So I decided to make a small list of totally attainable goals. Wish me luck.
1. Limit Reality TV to 2 hours a week-
This is actually going to be hard, seeing as how 982% of television programming is now reality tv. As if Americans aren't lazy enough, no one even bothers to TRY and produce entertainment for the couch potatoes. They know that we are so lazy that we will pretty much sit through whatever pops up on the screen as long as it involves either: hot girls fighting, ugly girls fighting, girls fighting in general, boobs, liquor,rehab, addiction, jail, dancing, or singing. Or any D-list celebrity doing any of the aforementioned things. It's really gotten to be a damn shame.
However I am a total victim of our society, and have become dependent on low-brow reality tv to fuel my soul. So. 2 hours. That's it. Before my brain becomes mush.
2. Be nicer to this one girl at work-
And other people in general that I'm kind of bitchy towards. I'm not even bitchy on purpose, I just am slowly losing my ability to be fake-nice as I grow older.
I totally see myself turning into that bitchy old broad in the back of the Bingo hall, just talking smack about everyone. Stamping away at my Bingo card. Kids have totally abandoned me. Just bitter and alone. But wearing great furs.
I dont know why our patience gets shorter as we get older. Maybe we just go through so much bullshit in life, that we don't even bother trying anymore. I can usually tell within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone if I like them or not. And if I dont, (even if it's for a stupid reason. IE they're wearing jeggings. Or they have a weird nasally voice. Or whatever) I just shut down. I put no effort.
I have to stop. I have to love my neighbor or whatever that damned commandment is. I have to try not to be a cunt.
3. Be nicer to myself-
Hurt people hurt people I suppose. AS bitchy as I am to that girl at work, you should hear how bad I think about myself sometimes. Totally putting myself down for dumb shit. Cellulite. Wasted potential. Bad chicken-frying skills. Too short. Weird voice. Boobs are too big. Hair is too short. And on and on and on and on.
Catch me on a bad day,and you would think I was looking at Honey Boo Boo's mother when i looked into a mirror.
Be nicer to myself, because there are a lot of assholes in this world that aren't.
Be nicer to myself, because it's the only self I'll ever have.
4. Wear matching panties/bras-
This is going to be just as tough as the whole reality tv thing. But, I really want to get back to old 1950s glam. I feel like as a woman, you have a certain beautiful, sexy, sensual feminine mystique. And the older you get, the harder gravity pulls down your boobs. So while mine are still hanging on to dear life, I might as well treat them nice. Pretty lingerie. Not just on date night. But every night. NO rushing in the morning, throwing on whatever pair of draws that were just recently washed hanging out of the drawer. But laying out my entire ensemble the night before. With matching bra/panties.
5. Finally. Have fun-
Which isn't really a resolution. It's more of my life motto in general.
This year I really want to focus on being less stressed about small things.
Taking lots of mini-vacations. Seeing lots of shows. Laughing. Spending lots of time with friends and family. Anything and everything that will make me smile.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. — Ferris Bueller
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