::Rehab is for Quitters::

A funny thing happened in a drunken state Tuesday night.
Well not so funny at the time. In fact, I quite literally almost lost my mind.
My beloved blackberry fell victim to an overturned Long Island Iced Tea. Extra Long.
At the time, I was way more upset about the spilt drink. Just assuming that my often abused crackberry would just bounce back like every other time before.
Like an extreme fighting champion my phone has been through sh*t that would rival a steel caged match. Thrown against: sidewalks, walls, dashboards, other people. Dropped down: elevator shafts, out cab windows, down toilets. And every single time, like the true champion it is, my phone has shaken it off and come back for more.
But alas, the final downfall was the sugary mix of liquor. My phone, like us all at some point, just couldn’t bounce back from the damage done after a few too many drinks.

Like a meth addicted spending his first night in a strange hospital bed ,I spent the whole rest of the day lost. Twitching. Restless. Constantly on the phone with T-Mobile. Restarting, resetting, rebooting, recharging. I have a blister on my thumb from trying to push the “on” button for 2 hours straight. I was in denial. All my contacts, all my photos, all my information. Just gone. As was my instant gratification to social networking.
No way to know if someone had tagged me in an unflattering facebook picture. No way to update my twitter followers about the tragic events. No way to randomly chit chat about life and love and lust with random gchat friends who happened to be online at the time. No emails. Nothing. Just blankness.

I went home and found the only phone I had available in the “interim”. The very first sidekick. This thing weighed about 89 pounds. I think I bruised my ear the first time I tried to hold it up to make a call. Not to mention the fact that it couldn’t fit in any of my clutches. Just an unsightly constant reminder of my missing bff.
To add insult to injury someone actually called my phone, the ringtone was Lupe Fiasco: Superstar. The irony was uncanny.

And then night fell and I slept better than I had in months. It was quiet. No interruptions in the middle of the night. No waiting on reply text’s that never came. No waiting for return calls that were placed. It was just me. Alone. And I realized, that’s exactly what I needed.

I didn’t ask anyone for their number for a few days. I had about 10 contacts from my original phone, that were still relevant today. (best friends, parents, the people that loved you before you were cool. The people who were there for you through all of your phones. And all of your different weights, hair colors, and many identity crisis’s, the people who would bail you out of jail at 3am.)

It’s amazing how dependant you become on technology. With no gps on my phone, I got lost going to pick up my friend Friday on the way to the beach. It was so weird to “actually” have to “think” about where I was going. Focus on my driving. Enjoy the sun and the song on the radio.
Too embarrassed to pull out my phone to use it…I actually spent time enjoying my life.
How I longed to update my twitter about all the hilarious things I saw at the beach. But how much more fun it was to actually just enjoy it. Without an audience.
Just laughter between a friend and myself. Something that only the two of us know about.
Jumping in the waves. Laughing. Literally feeling like the ocean was going to carry me away. Feeling the sun on my face without a mobile upload picture. Without someone commenting.
My status would have been “christina is living life. Please, instead of commenting, go live your own and leave me in peace.”

Everyone noticed the difference in me. Without my crutch in my hand, I was more aware. More thoughtful. More “in the moment.”
Not waiting, responding, commenting or following anyone.

Sitting outside last night, having some hummus reading my new book, it dawned on me that life has no audience. I fall victim to the false belief that people actually give a sh*t what you’re doing. I fall victim to putting too much worth in what other people think of me. Too much time is spent wondering if people like me. Wondering if I will ever be accepted for who I am. Flaws and all. Most of the time I spend regretting the decisions that I’ve made in life. Looking back at the “what if’s”. What if I had just gone home after the first bar that night. I would still have my phone, and a few other things lost that night.
But sitting there watching cars zoom past with the self-important drivers on their bluetooths, I laughed. And I didn’t care anymore.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. -Emerson


I am already accepted. I know myself, and I love myself. Take away all my phone contacts. Take away all the pictures, the parties, the updates, the emails. Take away the blogs. And I’m still myself.
I do dumb sh*t daily. That I will continue to do. I am too emotional. I think too much. I react too quickly. I love too deeply. But in everything to do I am real.
The most important thing I learned this week was that I have a real amazing life.

I now have my phone back. And I will be updating again. I will be randomly passing time at work again. But never again will I be so dependant on something so materialistic.
At the end of the day, the people who want me, know exactly where to find me. And each night I will turn off my phone and all the nonsense that goes with it.