Crying is so weird.
For example, I'm having a normal boring night here. Which consists of me, scrolling through instagram, being envious over fake lives, searching for flights on Orbitz, trying to master my "eating chips in bed without getting crumbs in the sheets" skill, when suddenly I felt it.
I felt this strange sensation overcoming me. Like, somewhere deep in my gut.
I'm not sad. In fact, I've had quite a lovely weekend. I think sometimes, my body just absorbs all of this emotion and stress and craziness of life and I need an outlet.
So I got myself a glass of wine and sat by the Christmas tree and allowed myself to cry for a little bit.
Among the thoughts that crossed my mind:
A. This tree, and home, are beautiful. My parents really did spend the past 35 years trying to build a ridiculously perfect Hallmark card of a life for us. My dad is retiring next year, and he can sit down and actually look at his life and be proud of what he's built.
Which led to....
B. I'm going to be 35 this year and haven't quite done shit for my future. So much of my life has been spent simply trying to "survive" that I never actually planned on what to do once I made it through those "struggles." This is going to have to be the year that I begin creating my legacy. Something to leave my daughter. Something to be proud of. Besides some REMARKABLE tales of love, loss, and drinking. (No matter how entertaining they may be.)
which got me to....
C. Speaking of drunk stories, I hate texting. Texting is great for "hey, I'm on my way" or "I'll call you back after this meeting." But on a night when you're a bit too emotional, and you have a bit too much time on your hands, your brain can talk you into texting some really risky shit, that sounds good TO YOU. But upon further review, is actually some realllllly dumb shit.
First resolution for 2016 : Whatever you feel like texting, that you THINK may be a little "controversial", write it down first. Then read it back to yourself a few hours later.
Writing has never let me down in the past. Good old written words. That you can't delete and pretend were never sent. Letters that you actually had to seal in an envelope and make an effort to send, instead of just pushing one single button and having your whole soul exposed in less than 5 seconds. Writing actual letters made you REALLY think about what you were sending.
C 1: If you're reading this, just text me because, all my texts to you are probably currently sitting in my top drawer waiting for review in the morning.
D. And then that gets us to, " if I were thinner/prettier/wealthier/younger, I wouldn't be sitting here waiting for texts" thoughts. And that's when I know its time to go to bed.
I am aware that there is a whole gang of 20 year olds that I can't compete with. I am aware that I should go to the gym more than once a month. I am aware that I should drink 86 gallons of water a day.
But, I also am aware that I'm not going to get anywhere harboring all of these negative thoughts. You become what your thoughts are. And normally I am super confident and happy and full of all kinds of esteems of self. But you know, on certain nights, it just hits you.
So - in conclusion - I am excited to see what this new year brings. Actually, strike that, I'm excited to see what I can create in this new year.
(starting with daily blogging, even if most of it sucks (like tonight) i just need to force these feelings out somewhere. And hopefully by the end have a book. Or a movie. Or a therapy journal. Better than sitting around watching reality TV no matter what becomes of all this random venting)
Goodnight, from Day 1 of forever.
For example, I'm having a normal boring night here. Which consists of me, scrolling through instagram, being envious over fake lives, searching for flights on Orbitz, trying to master my "eating chips in bed without getting crumbs in the sheets" skill, when suddenly I felt it.
I felt this strange sensation overcoming me. Like, somewhere deep in my gut.
I'm not sad. In fact, I've had quite a lovely weekend. I think sometimes, my body just absorbs all of this emotion and stress and craziness of life and I need an outlet.
So I got myself a glass of wine and sat by the Christmas tree and allowed myself to cry for a little bit.
Among the thoughts that crossed my mind:
A. This tree, and home, are beautiful. My parents really did spend the past 35 years trying to build a ridiculously perfect Hallmark card of a life for us. My dad is retiring next year, and he can sit down and actually look at his life and be proud of what he's built.
Which led to....
B. I'm going to be 35 this year and haven't quite done shit for my future. So much of my life has been spent simply trying to "survive" that I never actually planned on what to do once I made it through those "struggles." This is going to have to be the year that I begin creating my legacy. Something to leave my daughter. Something to be proud of. Besides some REMARKABLE tales of love, loss, and drinking. (No matter how entertaining they may be.)
which got me to....
C. Speaking of drunk stories, I hate texting. Texting is great for "hey, I'm on my way" or "I'll call you back after this meeting." But on a night when you're a bit too emotional, and you have a bit too much time on your hands, your brain can talk you into texting some really risky shit, that sounds good TO YOU. But upon further review, is actually some realllllly dumb shit.
First resolution for 2016 : Whatever you feel like texting, that you THINK may be a little "controversial", write it down first. Then read it back to yourself a few hours later.
Writing has never let me down in the past. Good old written words. That you can't delete and pretend were never sent. Letters that you actually had to seal in an envelope and make an effort to send, instead of just pushing one single button and having your whole soul exposed in less than 5 seconds. Writing actual letters made you REALLY think about what you were sending.
C 1: If you're reading this, just text me because, all my texts to you are probably currently sitting in my top drawer waiting for review in the morning.
D. And then that gets us to, " if I were thinner/prettier/wealthier/younger, I wouldn't be sitting here waiting for texts" thoughts. And that's when I know its time to go to bed.
I am aware that there is a whole gang of 20 year olds that I can't compete with. I am aware that I should go to the gym more than once a month. I am aware that I should drink 86 gallons of water a day.
But, I also am aware that I'm not going to get anywhere harboring all of these negative thoughts. You become what your thoughts are. And normally I am super confident and happy and full of all kinds of esteems of self. But you know, on certain nights, it just hits you.
So - in conclusion - I am excited to see what this new year brings. Actually, strike that, I'm excited to see what I can create in this new year.
(starting with daily blogging, even if most of it sucks (like tonight) i just need to force these feelings out somewhere. And hopefully by the end have a book. Or a movie. Or a therapy journal. Better than sitting around watching reality TV no matter what becomes of all this random venting)
Goodnight, from Day 1 of forever.
Comments
Post a Comment