Dear Joe...

•More than once this week Ive heard (from men) the following: “Man, you need somebody to get him off your mind.” Or any other variation of that. I.E. -- “you just need some dick” Or, -- “ma, come hang out tonight. I’ll make you forget all about that dude.” I’m not sure why men think their penis is magical. Or somehow has healing powers that Native American Shaman would be envious of. Like my girl Tori Amos puts it, “So you can make me cum. That doesn’t make you Jesus.” Even my female friends have become extreme activists of the “Best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new” campaign. I just can’t possibly do it. Oh. I mean. I’ve done it. And done it well might I add. You dump me, and I can not ONLY rebound with someone richer, smarter, better looking, better sex, better life. BUT because I’m all angsty and bitter and anti-men, I’m usually at my BEST during these rebound relationships….if THE REBOUND was the second act of a play, I’d steal the spotlight. All in an e...

There I stood. Lost in a sea of button down shirts, with bedazzled crosses on the back, and dresses that I swear my 6 year old couldn’t even smuggle her goodies into. I was in the heart of Jersey. The deep down dirty beat thumping dance floor at Mur Mur in Atlantic City. My vision was blurry from the fog machine and the blinking “hey lets fuck with the high people” strobe lights. My nose irritated from the smell of Axe body spray and that unmistakable stench of attention whoreness. To the left of me was a very inebriated man, with an iphone, and a screen shot of him with The Situation. Apparently he was on one of the episodes of the Jersey Shore. This was his pick up line by the way. There was no “can I buy you a drink.” No, “my name is John. Or Mikey. Or whatever.” No. His line was “Hey do you watch the Jersey Shore?” (thrusts screen shot in my face) “Boom!! That’s me and The Situation.” This is your greatest achievement in life? This is what you’re leading with? Sir. Sir. Sir. Sit do...