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::Crafty Broads:::

So there's been a recent outbreak of "engaged" women I know. A crisis. A black plague upon our community. On a daily basis, I see these women, who I wouldnt necessarily say are anything "worth talking about", prancing around with these big ass engagement rings and fab men. With jobs. And cars. And no nasty addiction to : sex with other women, weed, video games, gambling or any other high school like vice.
So naturally, I felt the need to really sit down and address the real issues here.
What is setting these women apart from me. What is making them "wife" material. What is going on in America. This is what I've come up with:

A. Crafts not Ass
One of the engaged women, recently passed around Reeses peanut butter cups, with tiny Christmas trees glued to the top as gifts for people in the office.
Who does that??!!! I have never found myself sitting at home, thinking "hey...you know what...i should hot glue some mini christmas trees to chocolate." Shit, I dont even own a hot glue gun.
The other girl is designing her own center pieces. The other, made home-made Christmas cards.
The more I paid attention, the more it became clear. Women who craft get married. Whatever part of the brain, that makes you actually stay in the house, to cut and glue shit, for people that will no doubt just throw it out, is severely underdeveloped in mine. If it exists at all.
So. I'm going to scrapbook. Its been decided. I bet everyman in the world has a hard on right now.

B. Turtles not Leopards
The other stark contrast between myself and these women, were the things they wear. Turtlenecks, "sensible" flats, tweed pencil skirts. Ironed white blouses.
Never once did I see any animal print. Nothing with chains attached. Nothing made of leather, feathers or any kind of fur. Nothing too bright. Nothing too dark. Everything very earthy and calm. Relaxing. Like, you just want to curl up next to them and thier cable knit sweater and watch Lifetime movies.
My outfits, usually envoke a sensation of wanting to get on stage and sing bad 80's songs at kareoke.

So its been decided. J. Crew, Ann Taylor, and a subscription to Redbook and not Nylon. I'm going to be a proper magazine cut out.


So crafting. Dressing like a librarian.
Oh and....being a good cook. A good maid. A porn star in bed. Liking sports. Knowing when to shut up. Knowing when to speak up. Being smart. Sexy. Look like a model. Never get too drunk. Don't curse. Always smile. Be witty. Be humble. Be ambitious. Be strong. Be sensitive. Be perfect.

So. I think I can do all that. lol Fuck. who am I kidding. haha.

Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 11, 2012 at 3:47 PM

    Ur so extra..but awesome concept. I think even a lil truth in it.

    ReplyDelete

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