Dear Joe...

I recently found myself in a very strange state of mind. I, yes the great cynical I, was heartbroken. This was quite a new emotion for me. As I hadn’t actually ever been "dumped." I suppose 26 years could be considered a good run. So anyhow, I needed advice. It was my third day wearing the same ripped up hoodie, and faded black leggings. I’d run out of shampoo, and my hair was a greasy, stringy cigarette flavored rats nest. But such trivial things didn’t matter to me anymore. I needed help. So I went to the bookstore...and scoured the internet. I was sure that some wise person before me had written a "self-help" book. And that I would be saved. However all I found were the same books, with the same advice, by fat women with huge bleach blonde hair, sprayed into some overly-processed 1986 style with, what must have been, the last bottle of Aqua Net to be found on Earth. None of these women looked like they’d even been fucked in the past decade. I was drunk, scaring ...